We have all seen it and probably most of us have been guilty of it a time or two.
It sounds like this:
“I could never …”
“That’s easy for you, you are…”
“You are such a dreamer…”
When we let go of this “Playing Little” mindset we can unleash amazing opportunities.
I cannot imagine having…. does thinking big scare you and send you into convulsions?
Do you find yourself squashing your dreams about being BIG in your niche?
Have you ever lost a gig, a contract or an opportunity because you were thinking too small?
What does thinking small look like?
I am not like… (comparisons are killers of big thinking)
I am happy just to…. (it’s in the just to adjusting down)
I do not need a lot in my world, I can be happy with…(do you “make do” when you could be “expanding into”)
I could never to TTTHHHHAAAATTT.
What is the “who am I” syndrome?
It sounds like this:
“Who am I to try to be as big as Oprah?” (Detaching from success because you do not feel you are a success yet nor could ever be.)
“Who am I to stand in the way of their happiness?” Denying who you are at the end of any relationship.
“Who am I to be able to find in happiness?” We all can see clearly what happened if we are honest.
“Who am I to say no to their dream?“ Trying to satisfy that customer that you should have passed on is one way women deny who they are – who am I to say no to their dream.
How do women squash their voices and why?
It feels like this:
You hesitate to share your thoughts. Why? Is it because you were criticized in the past for speaking your mind?
You down play your ideas. Why? Have those ideas gone unappreciated in the past?
You find yourself getting laryngitis. Why? Louise Hays and others have some interesting thoughts behind this being about not honoring your own voice in the world.
Do you hear others or yourself using lacking language?
It sounds like this:
“Well it’s just my two cents”
“In my humble opinion”
“I could be wrong”
“I do not know, I am like that, I never know what I want”
You are doubting your brilliance! Will everything you say be fantastic? Nope. But, if you doubt the little things, the bigger ones will never be produced.
Stop asking for permission to be brilliant.
This is a hurdle that trips us all.
It sounds like this:
“Well it’s just me, little ole’ me”
“I am not sure, so I better not do anything”
“I have never had that before”
It comes from a multitude of places, whether we were raised without seeing faith in action or we lost our connection from a trauma and never reconnected…these forks in the road can give us opportunities to find faith if we can open our hearts.
Do you only move forward when all the “known pieces” are in place?
What if the unknown was where your solution was waiting?
How can you tap in to that unknown, if it is unknown?
It sounds like this:
“If I had only known this would happen, I would have listened to my inner voice”
“I had a feeling and thought it was too good to be true”
“I never knew I could get here, yet I had this inkling in my dreams”
How do you see your past tripping you up so that you settle for what you know, instead of allowing yourself to listen to those small voices, inklings in your dreams and those feelings that wanted you to believe in you enough to give it a go?
Have you ever seen a women who was so incredibly smart, yet she did not see her own light in the room? How are you withholding your own light?
It looks and sounds like this:
“I am just not seeing what you see in me”
“I was raised being boastful was a sin”
“I am not perfect therefor I am not valuable”
Give yourself permission to love yourself, truly love yourself!
Non action
Have you taken ANY action in the past week?
Being in the midst of a still birth sounds like this:
“I have to get all my ducks in a row”
“I am not ready and would look foolish if I moved forward now”
“I need to research this more to ensure I am doing the right thing”
“I am not feeling it is the right time”
“Things are not lined up so I will just wait”
Do you need a midwife or a attendent/coach to help you through this process? Go get them.
Do you find yourself in the constant state of “getting ready”?
Have you become the Empress of Excuses?
They sound like this:
“I never make a decision without being sure”
“I saw mistakes in how she did it and I do not want to do that too”
“There is so much going on right now, I will get to it eventually”
How can you put something into place that helps you feel you are supported to shine?
(are you waiting for perfection to be born?)
How many times have we heard the old lesson…
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others.
Are you walking around filling up everyone else’s cup and being a water bearer?
It sounds like this:
“I love giving to others it is my calling”
“It is better to give than receive”
“I do not need much and they have much less than me”
(giving everyone else sustenance)
If you are not allowing yourself to truly receive, you are cheating the other giver (other than you) of receiving the blessing you enjoy so much.
Being able to listen to women in business every week share their stories of what they have learned about themselves. How they would use that knowledge to improve their business as well as share with other women to learn from their journey.
After looking at all these pieces of how we as women in business can stub our toe and skin our shins we have a choice.
Featured image courtesy of IronRodArt – Royce Bair licensed via creative commons.
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Spot on, loved it! Now, without shame, blame or guilt - compassion goes a long, long way - women leaders of the world, let's go ahead, yes, dare to, Be YOU, Magnificently - I'm in!
@valencia Thanks glad you see that recognizing our roles in process and blaming need to be separated.
Lovely insights. Thanks for the 12 most here. I saw this when I took the Op-Ed Project workshop ddesigned for women. We undersell, downplay, and diminish our major accomplishments simply because we don't even consider voicing the what's so (what actually happened that I did). Men have no qualms about it because they don't attach meaning to something that happened. And perhaps they don't necessarily make it about them. It's about the outcome.
@kyraocity I love your point about it being about the outcome. What do you think we can do to be more supportive of ourselves, as that is what it boils down to.
God Michele what a great post and I'm finding it at just the right moment. #5 is my biggest downfall. Working on it.
@kalynnamadio Kalynn I hear you many a savvy women has dealt with #5, moi included. Now that we see it we can be more conscious when it shows up and step back into our power.
This is such a wonderful, thought provoking post. After reading it over and over, it's #5 that I struggle with the most and am glad to see others commenting that they do too. This is a "keeper" and whenever I start doubting, I'll be referring to it to bring the focus back to where it should be. Thanks Michelle!!
This is such a wonderful, thought provoking post. After reading it over and over, it's #5 that I struggle with the most and am glad to see others commenting that they do too. This is a "keeper" and whenever I start doubting, I'll be referring to it to bring the focus back to where it should be. Thanks Michelle!!
@LeslieMcLellan Yes Leslie I am that friend who will ask you to change your language when I hear you speak in less than your brilliance. Glad you see we can find ways to life each other up.
Great ideas, and overall great article. I was, however, surprised to see the term "still birth" used (#9). I just don't think this is a good term to use in an article directed towards women. I can only imagine how a woman who has had a still birth would feel. No woman who has gone through either a miscarriage or a still birth wants to be reminded about it, especially in an article that I found through an organization geared towards mom entrepreneurs.
@MargaretCleland Margaret having had a miscarriage and having witness still births on the ranch I felt it gave complete feeling and meaning to what we put ourselves through. I appreciate your candor and honor your opinion.
Such a great list, Michele. I have intentionally left it open in my browser to remind myself to read and re-read it. I also think we women need to share this with as many other women in biz as we can. It's a keeper! I'm also going to share it with my (male) business coach, who might find it helpful to share with his other female clients. All the more reason to *still* keep it open in my browser!
@hollisthomases Hollis all I can say is WOW and I wish that every time I wrote a post it was a keeper like this. You ever had one of those moments you saw things around you and just started writing form the heart? That is what makes me wonder how some can do this daily. Writing for me is giving birth, not sure I want to do that daily.
And yes I re-read it too-always swallow your own medicine
Truly enjoyed your post Michele. "Lacking language" is one I haven't heard before. I love it and will be on the look out to make I don't include it or let other ladies include it in our conversations. As my favorite artist Joni Mitchell once said in lyrics, nobody's harder on me than me, how could they be? and nobody's harder on you than you. Forget what you can't do and figure out what you can. Thanks for the post I'll be sharing it.
@Sue Reddel SUe I love Joni Mitchell too, listened to her and Joan Baez & Buffey Saint Marie, blessed ot be infused with wise women at an early age.
@foundingmom Thanks, Gracias, Danka ;) Glad it resonated with you. Now what action will you take to leap over this for yourself ;)
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Very interesting post, Michele!! I'm all about empowering women in particular to step up and into their power and shine their light BRIGHTLY!! As the Dalai Lama says, "The Western Woman will save the world."
I think it's so important now more than ever to really, really do whatever we can to release our fears and give ourselves permission to really thrive. Marianne Williamson's "Deepest Fear" piece is so poignant and relevant to so many of us - both men and women, in fact. "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." I played small for far too many years then finally gave myself permission to step it up and really own my mission in life.
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@MariSmith @marismith Mari, thank you. When I share my story of when I started stepping into my own online mission intentionally and not allowing anything to hold me back, I tell them the story of starting my radio show right out of the gate with a high profile guest-YOU!
It is great to hear women ask better questions after that so they can start stepping out of their gates and into their brilliance.
Next on the list to interview, to bring her light to my listeners is Marianne WIlliamson. Imagine what a perfect mindset call that would be to start off everyone's Monday.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It means a lot.
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I've been a successful attorney, pastor and business owner, yet I still wrestle with #2 and #5. Like many others, I'm working on this, and some days are better than others. I can honestly say that I face into my fears rather than allowing them to paralyze me. I long for 2 things: 1) when I no longer hear the voices of self-doubt in my head; and 2) when women no longer have to wrestle with any of the 12! Thanks for a great article, Michele!
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@HilaireHenthorne Thank you and I agree with you when women no longer struggle with any of these wil be a beautiful world. I honor you, your willingness to speak your truth and to see the vision together of what can be.
@prosperitygal I see that you're based in Houston. I just got back from a business trip to West Texas A&M's Enterprise Center, where I had the pleasure of sharing dinner with 15-20 other women entrepreneurs and CEO's. Each of them is accomplished, creative, and courageous. Yet each of them spoke about the doubts and fears that had to be dealt with as we formed the visions for our businesses, stayed true to our dreams despite the naysayers who urged us to give up, and clung to the values that enable us to show up in the world as women of authenticity, integrity and worth. We each had to deal not only with our own most prevalent self-doubts, but also with the frequently-expressed self doubts of others, which were projected on to us. That's why I said I long for the day when women no longer hear any of these self-defeating, deceptive voices. I envision a day when we will stand like firmly-rooted oak trees, trusting the voices that say we are strong, we will thrive, and that we are deeply grounded in this powerful truth. I have sent your article to several of the women who shared that dinner with me, as well as some of my clients. This article has resonated with many, because it goes to the core of who we are /can be. Thank you again and I look forward to reading more of your work, Michele!
@prosperitygal Thanks, Michele. I've confirmed your request and look forward to continuing our conversation.
Hilaire,
I am honored and just sent you a facebook friend request. I can imagine how wonderful it was to share dinner with women who are so self reflective and want to be the change in the world.
Absolutely spot on, Michele. I suffer from all of these traits, but I'm working on it! Thank you so much!
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OK, since when have you been listening to the voice inside my head?
I had a female mentor tell me that women are often afflicted with "imposter symdrome" but I'd yet to read it in so many words otherwise or so perfectly expressed as this post.
It's sad that there are not topics that are gender-geared towards the male counterparts, but often have to be clarified because "women" seem to have to have a context word in many dialogues, blogs, etc.
Bottom line is that women think, act and perform in business differently than men. Unfortunately, some of our gender make us excuse others to justify our existence in successful positions in business.
You just don't find articles that start off with "Why, How, What, etc." do men do in business .... yet so many "Women" do this or that .... I'm no feminist, yet we just have to stop apologizing or analysing what we already know - genders act, think and do business differently.
Personally, I focus on sales advice .. not gender specific, career specific ... we'll all get there .. eventually. I loved this article!
Jeannette Marshall aka @optioneerjm
http://optioneerjm.blogspot.com/
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Jeanette I learned many years ago until you name it and address it, then nothing can be done to improve it. Denying it certainly will not help. Funny thing is because I hear these things from colleagues and clients on a regular basis I wanted to discuss it outloud. Take off the sheets and stop hiding behind our man-made (thought you might enjoy the joke there) excuses.
Limiting beliefs can paralyze both genders. I can only speak for one though ;)@OptioneerJM @optioneerjm
@prosperitygal You are not speaking for one, you are speaking for many Michele .. you had the guts to express it and you deserve a lot of credit for doing so!
Well, crud. I am totally guilty of #5 and #9. With #5, I always tell myself it's how I remain humble (Sean, you zip it!). With #9, that's just bad. I do it with everything, though. I will stop.
@ginidietrich Gini I am finding it hard to believe with all you do that #9 is even a thought on your landscape. Then again people do not realize I am an introvert. Go figure.
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@prosperitygal I just read a really good article on introverts and the myths. It doesn't mean we're shy or that we don't want to talk to people. It simply means we don't talk for the sake of talking and that we need our alone time to recharge.
You would love my interview with Devora Zack, she is awesome and wrote book called "Networking for People Who Hate Networking" here is the link to interview http://budurl.com/92xj You will LOVE her!
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Excellent post...I've been a business owner for over 20 years and I still have to fight those 12 demons on a regular basis...and often it seems that just when I've knocked down one of those obstacles, another demon rears its distracting head. I guess for me, the good news is that I recognize those obstacles which can stop me and I attempt to overcome them...even if it is one at a time. Thank you for sharing...
@ParkRidgeDDS Thank you for being open enough to share you contend with the limiting beliefs and are conscious of their effects.
Wouldn't it be nice if women were raised with a mindset and belief that we were invincible VS being feed the messages that contribute to the above 12!
I will confess. I am guilty of ALL of the above. I suppose you could call it something embedded into my system from the culture I was brought up in - where women are not really considered at all equal or worthy as men. There is always a little voice in my head no matter what I may do. Family, relatives, society etc have conditioned me into the person I am and it is VERY difficult to get out of it. But I do try. Its not that I dont get frustrated with the lack of control over my life, I do, but I hardly have any means of dealing with it. So, I have learned to make the best of what I have. However, I do take every opportunity that I can get to make things work for me. I find the little voice in my head controls me more often than not, but I try to fight against it. :)
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Raba interestingly enough I have discovered one of the most effective means of obtaining better results comes form not fighting against it as "it" thinks it is protecting you-use this instead - thank "it" and then ask "it " to work with you so you are achieving the results you want.
The mind is a funny thing and the ego is very strong. When we consciously discover ways in which to work together with our minds then you can shift that once tug of war into a dance that leaves you feeling much better about yourself.
Fantastic!!! I'm guilty of some of the above, but always talk to myself to stop doing them when I start. Never let someone tell you that you can't do what you want because of who you are. Wonder if the above impacts the pay scale difference that still exists?
Think the above does impact pay, if female is assertive they have been called a name or are thought to "wear the pants in the family". To get myself out of any of they above I usually start with, "ok, Denise snap out of it"!
Great question, would you be surprized? What have you found to work for you when you start to fall down that rabbit hole of any of the above? @dabarlow
Great 12 Most Michele! I see these all the time and have to say I'm guilty of numbers 4 and 5 in certain situations. I also see women starting phone calls, emails etc with "I'm sorry to bother you but..." - when have you ever seen a man start a discussion that way?
Thanks for reminding me of these!
@pamelamaeross YES YES YES, women please stop starting yoru conversations with I'm Sorry-how diminishing is that.
Take al the space you need to be all you are, stand strong, stand tall, breath in deeply you have a whole tribe of ancestors behind you supporting you, are you using their strength?
@BHSMITH aaahhh but if it was that easy for them then none of the above would happen. So it takes more than telling folks do not let anyone do it. Like that movie Neverending Story going through the Dark claims many a hero, it is not a easy journey.
True enough. I guess the issue is we put ourselves in those positions. (a Neverending Story business metaphor. THAT'S a first.)
Ask @Samfiroella I am great with movie metaphors. Even while I agree we put ourselves in those situations, when you are in them telling someone they are the problem doe snot usually help them pull out. That fine balance between tough love and empathy. @BHSMITH
I have achieved so much by putting myself out there in spite of suffering from many of the things on the above list. Self doubt? Tons of it. It's my best motivator! I will eat you, Self Doubt!!!
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@LittleAnimation Glad to hear you are finding ways to push through to the other side. Love to see you turn around and hold a hand back to another who is feeling these things and help them through their challenges. We can do amazing things when we support each other in an honest loving manner.
@prosperitygal Happy to say this is a huge part of animation culture, education and industry. I made a short film about it called The Story Of ERs.
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