I have the greatest clients in the world. The only problem is that they are literally around the world, which means I have had to travel via airplanes in order to show those clients some love. For the last 10 years I’ve been on a different plane an average of 8 times per month, which has provided me an unwelcomed, all-too-intimate knowledge of the average “flyer”. In turn, I’ve developed a shorter-than-ideal patience level for clueless flyers and so you’ll forgive this little rant as I list my reviled 12 Most Annoying Airline Passenger Personalities.
Seriously? Is it really possible that you don’t know you cannot bring the 2-gallon, family-sized bottle of Pantene hair conditioner through security? Do you plan to wash the hair of everyone in the country you’re visiting? If you don’t want to use the hotel’s shampoo, pack 1-oz bottles or step aside and get out of my way, you’re holding up the queue.
Yes, we all know you don’t want your “junk” touched. Do we really need to hear you mimicking the over-used: “dude, don’t touch my junk”? Do you think no one has heard this before? Do you think it will get you through security without any other issue? Do you really think anyone WANTS to touch your junk?! Get the scan or just shut up and move out of my way before they haul your ass off to jail!
As if it isn’t bad enough that I have to wait an additional 15 minutes in a security line for you to unknot the laces in the high-fashion, knee-high laced up boots that you just had to wear for the paparazzi that are undoubtedly waiting for you on the plane…do I also have to wait for you to put on your belt, necklace, 3 bracelets, jacket and a British-wedding-wannabe-hat on the other side of the X-Ray machine? Dress appropriately for security checks or grab your bin and re-accessorize out of my way!
What part of “please wait for your zone to be called” don’t you understand? Even the insane system used by Southwest Airlines has some form of “boarding order”. Those in wheelchairs or with kids under 2 years old board first, then business class, then frequent flyers, then coach starting from the BACK of the airplane, the middle and then the front. Simple right? Then why do you 40 people in the first 10 rows of coach insist on crowding the gate 20 minutes before they call boarding? And then show surprise when I purposely, er, accidentally shove my brief case in your back when I have to climb over you to board with my business class ticket? Wait your turn and move out of my way!
“You can only bring ONE ‘carry-on’ bag and ONE ‘personal bag’”. Has the public education system failed us so badly that we don’t know how to count? Why do you insist on lugging 2 full-sized, over-stuffed suit cases onto the plane? Then hold up the line while 6 people and a flight attendant use power tools and a tub of Vaseline to try and jam them into the overhead bins? I’ll give you the $25 to check your bag…just get out of my way you tight-wad.
Stand on the Right, Walk on the Left. What is so difficult about this concept? Is it not written in English, like, everywhere?! So why then do you and your 5 girlfriends insist on having an Oprah-Book Club meeting on the escalator? I’ve got places to go, people to see; stand to the right for your meeting and get out of my way!
You know who you are. You’re one of a 12-member family who insist on walking in a chorus line, side-by-side and at a snail’s pace across the entire width of the terminal corridor blocking my ability to make a connection at the opposite end of the airport in less than 5 minutes. Walk in a single line and get out of my way or risk you child being run over by my carry-on.
I understand that airlines are not known for great food, if they even serve it, and the food they might serve does not meet your advanced-culinary tastes. But do you really have to bring the over-stuffed burrito-to-go lunch on the plane with you? Do I really have to smell your lunch for an hour and a half on route to NYC? Or worse, watch you shove it down your gullet? Stuff your face in the terminal and let me enjoy my flight!
Um, not sure what country you’re from but here flatulence is not a compliment to the chef. Do really think it was “a silent-one”? You may have noise-reduction earphones on but WE can hear the burrito-inspired music you’re playing! And even if we didn’t hear it, do you really think there’s no other way for us to detect what you just did? Take that bewildered, whodunit look off your face, skip the burrito and have a salad. You’re too fat anyway and encroaching on my space (see point #12).
OK, so your girlfriend shouldn’t have left you alone at the bar; yes, she’s a tramp. Yes, your vendor is a jerk for not picking up the tab last night…the tight-ass. Yes, your wife is pissed that you’re travelling so much and you need to make up before you get home. I get it. I feel for you. No, actually I don’t really care yet I have to hear your stories from the other end of the plane. Why? The poor sap you’re talking to (see point #11) is just a few inches from you, you don’t have to yell. And if you’re talking on the phone, do you realize that it magically transmits your normal speaking voice across the country? You don’t need to scream your life-story in order for them to hear you. Keep it down, or better yet, shut up and let me sleep!
For the record, ear-buds in my ears means I don’t want to hear your lonely-hearts-club story. I’m forced to sit next to you, I did not choose to do so. See the ear-buds? Take the hint, shut up and let me sleep!
They don’t teach a college-course on this subject so I’ll forgive you for not knowing and I’ll educate you now. See the skinny bar of metal & plastic between our seats? That’s for our elbows, not for that part of your ass that does not fit into your seat. Once again, skip the burrito, get your ass to a gym and give me my half of the arm-rest back!
The business professional in me apologizes for any offence I’ve caused you. But the over-worked, always late for a flight because of traffic, weather and airline screw ups road-warrior in me doesn’t care and just wants to slap you silly! Now get out of my way!
Anybody with me?!
…we now return you to your regularly scheduled 12 Most programming.
Featured image courtesy of [bastian.] licensed via creative commons.
Sam Fiorella is a globetrotting interactive marketing strategist who has earned his stripes over the past 20 years in senior management roles with corporate sales &marketing teams as well as consulting for more than 30 marketing agencies. Sam’s experience with over 1600 Interactive projects during the past 15 years spans the government, finance & insurance, manufacturing, national retail and travel/tourism sectors. Currently, Sam is the Chief Strategy Sensei at Sensei Marketing, where he is charged with strategic campaign guidance and marketing technology development that power the Sensei Customer Lifecycle Methodology. Sam is a respected blogger and popular keynote speaker on marketing, branding and social media communications having presented at more than 200 conferences in the past 2 years. Follow Sam on Twitter or Connect with him on LinkedIn.
I'm one of the kids on the airplane. I can honestly say that I try not to annoy anyone on the plane. But the one thing that annoys me is the one person in front of me, who insists on moving his chair all the way back, just barely crushing me. Yeah, there's someone behind you, who dearly wants to enjoy the 12+ hour flight to India without being crushed.
i was on a 2 hour flight and these old people behind me pull out a tuna sandwich so i got to listen to their lips smacking and smell the to me awful smell of tuna for 2 hours this after waiting 7 hours at the airport be cause the airline messed up and overbooked my flight so at 2:30 am the changed the flight time from 6:30 to 6: 15 which wouldn't be so bad if they didint have the rule that you cant check in when there is less than45 minutes until boarding which i think is a big load of bs so i had to wait 7 hours to get on my first flight from tampa to Charlotte then from Charlotte to dayton with a two hour layover so a big fuck you to american airlines
@ExecAirShare The Hoarder! I always end up being the 1 they ask 2 help them with their bags, R usually the Zoned Out Flyer too!! #vexatious
RT @samfiorella: My Cross Silo Social Development Slides from #smm2011 KC. http://t.co/FN1sq5MC
@samfiorella Thanks for sharing that blog post, Sam. Perhaps that's why airports make for such great people watching. Enjoy your time in KC.
@KlaudiaJurewicz Wonder if there's a correlation between how these people act in airports and IQ? hmmmm
Sam, you have made my day! But let us not forget the gum snapper. Those lovely people who can't chew gum without making it sound like they're popping popcorn. Or the kid who's practicing their tap dancing routine on the back of your seat. I'm certain we've all felt utter amazement at how they so confidently assume the world revolves solely around them. Happy travels! Nancy
PS. A big Thanks to @janetcallaway for sharing this post. She rocks!
@nancykelly2 Try slapping them Nancy. See how they like that "smack" sound?! GO FOR IT. I give you permission.
Thanks Sam. Mother taught me to never leave a mark....so I will share with you that I do get great pleasure in picturing the flight attendant slapping a muzzle on them. Happy travels! Nancy
Brilliant! Amazing how much those folks get around, Sam, because my flights are primarily between Hawaii and the mainland yet I have met most of them. Thanks for the smiles. Aloha. Janet
@brandflair I'd add "Inconsiderate Overdresser," who travels with nothing less than belt, more jewelry than a #gypsy, & lace up boots. @ugh
Sadly, I think I've sat near all of these people.
I was super frustrated during a recent flight by a guy who thought everyone on the plane was interesting in hearing the game he was playing on his iPad. Seriously? I know you have headphones. I saw you wearing them! Either put them on or turn the volume off.
I also sat near a woman during a 17.5 hour flight who decided to paint her fingernails as soon as we got on the plane.
I think people have no concept of how rude they really are. Ugh.
Funny post. It made me laugh in a sad way.
@profkrg This is why they should allow frequent flyers to bring Tasers onto the plane. So we can zap those people. Can I get an AMEN?
Oh so hilarious and so true! I'm not a frequent flier anymore, but when I was, I have run into all of these. This one is my pet peeve- in line at security, they have done nothing until they get to scanner... They look lost and unsure what to do... Look at the others infront of you and learn... Strip and put items on the scanner conveyer belt!
@dabarlow AAARRRRGGGG.. This happened to me (again) just an hour ago. Stood in line behind two "Chatty Kathys" for almost 40 mins talking about their kids, how much they hated their husbands and their dissapointment that Desperate Housewives was ending. Then when they got to the actual security check point - they had to "search" for their electronics in their oversized designer/soccer mom bags, complained that they had to take off their shoes ("ooh, the floor is dirty"), "do I really need to take off my belt?", "why do I have to take my computer out? I have rights you know", etc. etc.
I was 1/2 naked before I even hit the line just to save sometime. Gheesh. Soccer Moms in Juicy Couture sweat pants are now on my Airport "must avoid" list.
Personally, I 'love' the people that 'airport' like they drive (in the interests of full disclosure, I am an 'assertive' driver: focused, on point, alert, and I always read the map before leaving my laneway). Stopping at the bottom or the top of the escalator to survey and determine your next move is decidedly not de riguer. And, of course, the tray table jockey, tv punching, seat back kicking passenger behind one - a personal fave. The only bump I want is up to first class. I will (somewhat shamefully) admit that I once rose to my full height and told the 8 yr old kid behind me that if he did not immediately cease and desist his incessant soccer game on the back of my seat, I would have him removed from the plane. At 33000 feet (it worked ;)
You are hilarious, Sam-I-Am! Love this!! :-D
@TobeyDeys I'm in awe! Fantastic. Unfortunately, I believe that same delightful child was on a flight with me to Hawaii and I did not handle it as well as you did. Or, perhaps, "please stop . . ." is not a language spoken in their family because I received the stink eye from the parents.
@TobeyDeys Yes, Yes!! Gotta luv those folks who stop RIGHT at the END of the escalator or the moving sidewalk. They just stop and kinda look around like they are bird watching. I give them a loud "COMING THRU" so that they jump will jump out out the way!
@TobeyDeys You threatened an 8 year old at 33000 feet because they were playing soccer on the tray behind you?!!!
I'm in such awe right now I can barely speak. My HERO.
Serves him right. Where the hell was his mother I ask?!
@TobeyDeys Love this reply - hysterical. Also add the people who don't stand to the right on the escalators or moving walkway while you are running through, praying to get to your connection. I'll admit it, I've run over a few toes or two. People, if you see a crazed looking person practically running through an airport, step aside. Don't move at your own risk!
Can I add #13 "The Seat Switcher". Yes I do mind switching seats. I thought ahead and booked the window seat on my overnight flight so I can sleep. I'm sorry you didn't and are stuck in the aisle being bumped by the cart. I'm not switching and that doesn't make me a bad person.
FYI - Vino Volo also at Reagan International. Great spot!
@mariepayton "The Seat-Switch"! Love it! Pre-plan & book the seat you want or just sit where you're put!! I feel another rant coming on.
I can totally relate - and I'd like to add the Fidgeter (you can probably come up with a more creative name). But this is the person sitting behind you who continually kicks the back of your chair, or tugs on it when they stand up, or pushes it when they sit down... grrrr... please people, respect the fact that I'm enjoying my movie/book/sleep and not bothering you, and please keep your hands and feet to yourself! The Fidgeter may also sit beside you and cross and uncross their legs, arms, etc into your space. Please, stretch your limbs, but do so within the confines of your seat, or excuse yourself and stand up and get it all out.
@pamelamaeross *woot* So true. There's usually one 5 year old on one of my flights and of course, they are seated behind me kicking and pushing the entire trip. I feel for ya.
Maybe we should start a frequent-flyers-support group? Waddya say?
@spofcher Flying was fun? I must have missed the memo. Although there is a are a few "hiding spots" at the Detroit airport where I can have some fun and get away from the people in my way: Vino Volo Wine Bar in Terminal A or the Jose Cuervo Tequileria. Note the theme....
Sounds like this was a long time coming. :) My dad constantly travels for business, and whenever I travel with him he has all of the same complaints. Now that I've had to travel much more to get to and from college and internships, I've realized more and more of this myself. Thank you for #3 -- I like to be fashionable just like the next woman, but the airport isn't really the place for it. Wear flats so you can walk at normal or increased speeds. Don't accessorize like crazy. Make sure it's all easy to get through security and not make a fuss. Last of all, be comfortable -- no modeling company is going to scout you in security. I feel like other women always look down on me for wearing sensible, not-as-fashionable clothes while I travel, but I shoot them looks back right away for being idiotic and wearing 5 inch heels in the airport. Obnoxious.
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@annedreshfield LOL, yes this little rant has been building up for quite some time. Many thanks to the producers of 12most.com for allowing me the forum to let my frustrations out!!
Excellent! On #12, the over-eater, nothing has been as surprising to me on a plane as the large person (gender isn't important) who sits down and then pulls the arm rest up to make room. My room...
@BPMForReal You know, I wasn't going to list that one in an attempt to be sensitive but then I thought, wait this space is already incredibly small....I paid for a ticket just like everyone else...why should I suffer with even less space? If you don't fit into one seat, I honestly feel for you but you have the choice to buy a business class ticket or two coach tickets. Why should other suffer? I know this sentiment is not politically correct, but in this case I feel the rant is justified. Ok, yell at me now.
@samfiorella @BPMForReal It shouldn't have anything to do with being politically correct, but I recognize that it is. There are many things in life that come with a cost, and taking up more space than most is one of them. There are those that argue that not everyone can help being large, and I agree, but that doesn't mean that someone else pays the price for it rather than the individual in that situation. Tough topic. No easy answers.
Phew. Now I know we could travel well together. At Midway Airport, my pet peeve is the amateur who insists on going through the "professional traveler" security lines. To your point, if you have lace-up boots, small children with you, or don't know you actually have to remove your laptop from your carry-on from 1999, then get out of my way! Nice one, Sam. See you in the skies!
@jeanniecw *High Five* Jeannie! It's amazing how many people don't know the basic rules that have been around for so many years! Clearly few people read a newspaper!!
Pretty funny stuff there Sam. Sad to say but I think I have been each of the people mentioned at least once. Not that I do it every time but at least once for each.
@mariongroup Hmm...ok, well fair warning. Best watch out for me when travelling through an airport. However, let's connect outside the airport - beers on me. :)
The overriding factor that's missing among all the 12 Most offenders is lack of awareness and common courtesy. Wouldn't it be neat if all airlines could print a helpful list for infrequent flyers on their boarding pass envelopes. The seasoned travelers could ignore it, but for those who would benefit from seeing it, the list would help make the travel experience a lot more efficient and less stressful!
I love the concept of this blog. The stand on the right, walk on the left thing is a common sign on how to identify Londoners, who cannot stand tourists that stand or leave their bag to the left on escalators. Londoners typically walk much faster than other Britons, particularly on the tube, with some in-built conciousness of the value of time, so don't stand in our way!
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Thanks for sharing with us Sam. We have an upcoming #TChat that deals with the complexities of world travel and virtual offices! The ideas are a flowing. Hoarders are everywhere due to bag limits/prices. Please just check the bag. It's an issue. This is fantastic and very funny.
Didn't plan to respond any more, but I have a tough time with people who put their small items in the overhead bin rather than by their feet. They exacerbate an already tough limit on overhead space. Be courteous!
@BPMForReal Me too! I honestly do not get it. It's a me, me, me airline culture? Venting is healthy for us. @danielnewmanUV @samfiorella
@MeghanMBiro Oh crap. I wish you wounldn't have told me about the #TChat discussion theme. I'm going to apologize now for the rant I'm gonna bring down on everyone there.
@samfiorella No worries! It's a future #TChat so you can join in the fun. We still have time to make it happen. Rant away....I'm listening. Bring it.
@MeghanMBiro I tried to get my skis and guitar on the plane - I did get them through security - darn those bag fees @MeghanMBiro
@danielnewmanUV @MeghanMBiro I just met a member of the recently disbanded Guarneri Quartet. He told me that it was a huge hassle, especially after 9/11 traveling with his violin and viola- even when purchasing a seat for his instrument. Sometimes the pilot would just not let the instrument on the plane.
@danielnewmanUV I thought my snowboard gear was a hassle. Good thing you stuck with the guitar and not a piano! ;) Don't know if the valets would take kindly to that... @MeghanMBiro
@danielnewmanUV Remind me never to travel with you. Wink. Those items are for below the airline people please.
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