12 Most Compelling Reasons to Pick Up the Tab
Picking up the tab. Is there a more awkward moment between friends, family, dates, or business associates? Okay, maybe asking for a raise, a second date, mom’s approval of the guy or gal you’re dating, and asking a woman if she’s pregnant when she’s not, are more awkward things in life. But, picking up the tab has become a dance, an art, and an art of avoidance for some, plus it creates bizarre and interesting behavior in otherwise relatively normal people!
Is it because money is such a touchy subject for many of us? It’s on that list of the top three things couples fight about! The other two being “sex” and “the kids.” So, it’s really no surprise that it’s an issue between people that we know well or don’t. Call me old fashioned, but I still believe the guy should pick up the tab for the gal. I even like to open my wife’s car door for her and do the heavy lifting now and then, too.
The 1980’s were golden, rich, fun times for most of us. That was when I worked in showbiz and flew First Class, had more or less unlimited expense accounts, got suites at fancy hotels, etc. But, those days are clearly over so given our changing gender roles, the confusion between the sexes, dwindling expense accounts, among other reasons, I believe it is necessary to educate and advise our readers why they should still pick up the tab.
1. It’s Easier
I, for one, just can’t stand that awkward pause, so I just pick it up and move on. No hesitation, no awkwardness, and my wife will be happy. I prefer that to those uncomfortable moments when the bill is sitting in the middle of the table and no one is reaching for it. Also, I rarely was able to time my bathroom visit to take place just before the check was left on the table.
2. You Look Good
C’mon, we all know that looks matter. When you pick up the tab, you are showing style, class, confidence, and more good stuff.
3. Now, They Owe You!
Depending on whether it’s business or personal, the degree with which “They owe you” varies. But, you are now in the driver’s seat. You don’t have to remember if you or they picked up the last bill ‘cause you know you always pick ‘em up.
4. First or Second Base Is More Likely
I know there are guys that actually believe if a woman is making as much or more than he is, that they should split the bill or, heaven forbid, maybe she should pick up the tab. Guys, forget it. FORGET IT. Women don’t do math that way. If you’ve enjoyed the view and company at dinner pick up the tab. You may find your evening extended.
5. Most People Can’t Afford It
My friend’s friend’s mom said, “The only happy people I know are people I don’t know well.” Well, I’ll paraphrase that as “The only really rich people I know are people I don’t know well.” Most people live above their means. Even Sharon and John “KeepUpWithTheJoneses” down the street are in hock. Trust me, most people can’t afford it.
6. You Are Smart and Don’t Live Above Your Means
You, on the other hand, can afford it because you pay off your credit card bill each month and drive a 12-year-old Honda. You saved money ever since you were camp counselor at summer camp. You’re smart. After all, you’re reading this column!
7. Brian’s Mentor Said So
My good friend, Brian, had a mentor early in his career. According to Brian, this mentor only gave him two pieces of advice. 1. Don’t loan money to your friends ‘cause you’ll lose the money and the friend. 2. Once people perceive that you have money, they will always expect you to pick up the tab. Brian violated #1 three times and each time lost the money and the friend. He’s picked up every tab since then.
8. Mom and Dad Paid for Everything, Now It’s Your Turn
Didn’t your parents pay for everything when you were growing up? Didn’t they scrimp and sacrifice to get you that useless college degree you now possess? How about that loan for the car or the car itself? Or dad co-signing on your home loan? As Stan Lee would say, “Nuff said,” so pick up the tab for your parents!
9. You Were Wise Not To Get That New Car
Honda’s can last a good 200,000 miles if you change the oil regularly. So, change the oil and forget those stupid car or lease payments. Leases are for dummies, anyway. Pack a lunch, skip Starbuck’s, and you’ll be fine. How this relates to picking up a tab isn’t clear to me either. Probably because it will put you in a better situation to do so.
10. Let Them Think You Are Flush
This may fly in the face of #6, but since we’ve all agreed that “lookin’ good” really matters, just like size (he didn’t say that, did he?), picking up the tab does make peeps think you’ve made it. So, if in fact, you’re living beyond your means, why not live a little further beyond – nothing more to lose. If you’re living within your means, then it’s no big deal. This is called a “win-win.”
11. You Can Be Picky About Where You Eat
Since your family and most of your friends have lousy taste in restaurants, wine, and food, if you know you’re going to pick up the tab, you can be the jerk who always insists on choosing where to eat. When you pick up the tab, that is another of your declared reasons for doing so when you say, “I should pick it up, after all I insisted we go here to eat.” You’re redeemed.
12. You Get the Miles
Let’s face it, we all love those “free” trips and now you can reap those benefits even faster since you’ll accumulate ALL those miles! Between the mileage you’ll get from picking up everyone’s tab and the rebate you get from your Costco credit card, you really will be rich!
I’m not sure how Miss Manners or Dear Abby (may their souls rest in peace) would think about these reasons for picking up the tab, but frankly, who cares. It’s a Brave New World and someone has to take a stand. When are we going out for dinner?
Photo courtesy of joebelanger. Used under creative commons, some rights reserved.
Bruce Sallan
Bruce gave up a quarter century career in showbiz to become a stay-at-home-dad. Those experiences fueled his desire to advocate on behalf of dads, the last remaining group it seemed everyone could disparage with impunity. He began writing a column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View” which is now carried in over 100 newspapers and web sites. Bruce’s first book, A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation is available at Amazon, iTunes, BN.com, and the store at BruceSallan.com. “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View,” Bruce’s one-hour radio show, is available anytime, via live stream, or to download for free on the Radio Show Page at BruceSallan.com. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his A Dad’s Point-of-View Page. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter. Bruce hosts a TweetChat called #DadChat each Thursday from 6:00 – 7:00 p.m., PST.
54 comments
My friend @Josepf and I recently picked up the tab. We were having the DISTINCT pleasure and company of THREE brilliant women @milaspage @Sherree_W @Giddyup2. I would have paid DOUBLE!
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Bruce,
Here I am on the day 12 of your "12 most" post! A couple thoughts: if a person or a couple invite me or us out and specifically say they want to treat us to lunch or dinner, then by all means I let them enjoy the treating, otherwise I or we always "reach" or pick up the tab. If I can't afford to treat, then I shouldn't be there in the first place. Our rule regarding loaning money to friends is this: if we cannot afford to give them the money as a gift, then we don't "loan" it.
As we have entered our more "senior" years we have come across this stumbling block when it comes to "splitting the check"...the other couple decides to "split an salad", then "split the soup", then "split an entree" to top it off with "splitting a dessert"....by the end of the meal I am exhausted. Then they say, "let's split the check!" Are you kidding me, you need a degree from MIT to figure out the split! I never know if they are splitting dishes because their appetites have decreased or if they really can't afford not to split. Like I said: exhausting!
I liked your list.
Judy
@arieldeneypr - thx for the RT Ariel...did u c my 12Most Incredible Dads? Pls add any u think r missing in comments: http://ow.ly/6qnPM
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And when I am the recipient of that generosity I always want ensure the gesture was appreciated!
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Love this list, hate picking up the tab. I'm that person that just looks at the check - hoping the other person will pick it up - that's why I'm using an alias for this comment...but, u made me rethink it
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I don't know, Bruce, it seems times have changed and you're still looking at the world through the gender stereotypes of "Father Knows Best!" But, I got a good laugh from this so thanks!
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@givemeabreak How do you think Ozzie nailed Harriet.
Latest blog post: The First Day of School
Let's not forget that the result of that union began Ricky Nelson! @TheJackB @givemeabreak
Hmmm, seems the PC police are in the house! I would argue strenuously that these stereotypes as you call them, WORK. Men want to be men and women want to be women. Of course, there should be parity when it comes to work, but in our personal lives the appeal IS "the OPPOSITE sex." You should read @JulieSpira further down! She's on top of this issue. Also, see how many women have commented that they appreciate a man picking up the tab and being a man! I even think my wife commented with an alias (SallyWhittier)...not sure... @givemeabreak
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My Business partner is an engineer. So he will go with #6. When I have the chance I will do whatever it takes to have fun and share with clients, friends and family or someone who deserves it. If that means picking up the tab, that's what this life is about-- enjoying the person you are having lunch with and if you have to count your pennies and worry about who is picking up the lunch, then pack your lunch and find someone who is on your page. I love nice dinners. Having someone to pick up the bill can be lovely. I am a traditional girl who still believes in the traditional standards.
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Very funny and very true ... although I may have some good old fashioned femminist issues with #4 (and I am NOT a femminist!). I wouldn't neccessarily extend a date if the guy picks up the tab, but he would gain some major points. I can definitely pay for my own dinner, but when a guy picks up the bill without hesitation, it makes me feel pampered and there isn't a girl out there who doesn't like that (even the fimminists like being pampered ... but they keep that a secret)
Great post!
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I was wondering when I'd get "called" on #4, @writnblock . To be clear, I only mean the guys "chances" are better. That's why I said he "may" get his evening extended. In no way do I think picking up the tab means the woman should owe him ANYTHING unless she wants to! @writnblock
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@BruceSallan No worries ... I didn't make you out to be "one of those" who think that way ... like you, I noticed that no one called you on it so I figured I should :)
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Another wrinkle on all of this is the matter of cash versus credit card. Let's assume that the only reason you are picking up the tab is because you are selfish and want to look good -- which is the basis for reasons 2, 3, 4, 8, 10, 11 and 12. I think a credit card used for a small amount looks kind of chintzy. Yet pulling out a great deal of cash is a bit too Diamond Jim Brady, a bit showy.
I think the way to work this is not so much by AMOUNT of the tab but by NUMBER OF BILLS you are able to use. For example, let’s say you pick up a tab for $57.00 plus tip (and on $57.00, you had better go $11.00 or $12.00 or, better yet, at least a few clicks north if you want to look good). Will you use a credit card? Or will you pull out a ten, four fives, a twenty, and seven singles, plus a five and a bunch of singles for the bare minimum tip. I’d say use the card.
But if you can pull out two bills—a fifty and a twenty—that looks OK, ix-nay the ard-cay. Also good for the image: crisp rather than crumpled bills.
Would you like to write the next one? You are hysterical! Love the crispy vs. crumpled bills! @weberdcom
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@BruceSallan Thank you! I will think about a 12 Most Effective Ways to Look Good While Picking Up the Tab column!
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Apart from not personally “getting” the comments attributed to Brian’s mentor (#7), and myself almost never finding #4 to be true, I enjoyed reading this list.
Good topic for a 12most column.
An excellent way to avoid the awkwardness is arrange with the waiter or waitress to bring you the check. I have done this many times by excusing myself about three-quarters of the way through the meal (usually on a pretend or actual trip to the restroom), tracking down the waiter/waitress while I’m out of view of my table, and making the arrangements. One also could do this at the outset of the meal.
In (relatively) classy joints, if it is quite close to the end of the meal, I hand my credit card to the waiter/waitress as part of ther arrangements I mentioned. He or she then brings the statement to the table needing only a tip and my signature.
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One of my favorite routines about picking up the tab is from So I Married An Axe Murderer. The fellows keep pushing the check back and forth, then when the woman offers to pay they both say, "Oh, wow, okay, thanks!" So funny :)
Picking up the tab can also be delicate because it then becomes your decision how much to tip the waiter or waitress. Talk about a fine art.
This was a funny post, Bruce - charming...and useful! Great job! :)
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And just when I though Chivalry was dead.... In rides Bruce!
I especially like 4, 5 and 6....
5. It is true... many people have lived above their means and simply can't afford it - out of good will it is a kind gesture to pick up the check. (Although there would be a place in me screaming :"what the hell are they doing at a place like this if they can't afford it!").
6. Because we have been wise and can afford it, it is a nice gesture and one that is not too painful for us. However, I would suggest using caution - when people know that you have lived wisely, the sometimes assume that you will pick up the check or be comfortable paying more than your share. Believe me, this can put a strain on casual friendships if you let it.
And finally 4..... Love ya' friend.... but I hate to tell you that from the female perspective this is wishful thinking.....
As Always... FANTASTIC POST!
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Terrific post @BruceSallan . Chivalry is quite sexy on a date and in business, picking up the check exudes confidence as well.
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@BruceSallan Here are my thoughts: Not at all. While I see and believe that technology, texting, and devices are accessories are often used while on a date, I still see some men who are chivalrous....They open doors, pick up the check, and do what it takes to be romantic if they are really interested in the girl. Often these men have witnessed chivalrous and kind acts from their parents or older siblings. I've had long talks with several gentlemen in their 20s and 30s recently who are smart, confident, and sexy because they believe in chivalry. They are miles ahead of those who don't. Random acts of kindness and chivalry will never go out of style. My suggestion to the women, let these guys be chivalrous. Thank them for taking the time to do so.
You are so wise, Julie. A lesson I've learned re: the one rose vs. 12 roses analogy is sort of the reverse. We men tend to think that the more we spend means the more "points" we get. As noted in this 12Most, women do math differently. So, the big piece of jewelry might be exactly equal to that one rose, especially if it were accompanied by a sweet loving note! @JulieSpira
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Yes Bruce. You have a reason to feel pessimistic on the matter. Too many people ignore the simple things. Texting on a date breaks my rules of netiquette, unless you're waiting for a liver transplant. Seriously, it's the simple things that can often make a difference, not the extravagance of the date. If a man brings one rose or flower on a date, it's received with the same level of appreciation as the entire dozen.
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Well, you heard it from THE expert on dating - Ms. Julie Spira. I'm still a bit more of a pessimist about the current state of "affairs" between men and women. @JulieSpira
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Hey Bruce,
I loved this! There is nothing more attractive then generosity in a man or a woman. Some people just don't get the mileage (good will) it garners. As far as dating goes, when the guy picks up the check it gives the woman the feeling that he can and wants to take care of her which, let's face it, is what most women want deep down. You're wooing the woman, you've set the stage for romance! Guys, you should burn these 12 points into your memories!
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OMG, have you hit the nail on the head with #4! Sometimes guys are soooooo dense! This is the best laugh I've had in ages! Thanks Bruce!
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Bruce,
Love this post - being generous is a wonderful characteristic. So happy to be getting to know you better.
Peggy
You didn't tell me this was going to be so much fun, Peg! BTW, next time in L.A., let's have lunch....on me! @PegFitzpatrick
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