12 Most Diabolical Diseases Infecting Internet Marketers

12 Most Diabolical Diseases Infecting Internet Marketers

You are sick. I bet you have caught at least one of these diabolical diseases, and these wicked little habits are hurting you, your business, and your mental health.

Diseases are deadly because a disease can be spread from one person to another. The internet has made transmitting easy, free, and boundless. With all of this sharing going on, it was only a matter of time before some diabolical habits and ideas started to spread.

As an internet marketer, you are especially susceptible. After all, you spend more time on the web, where these things spread, than most people. Let’s see how sick you are:

1. The quintuple quandary — Communication ADD

I know 12 Mosters are at high risk for the quintuple quandary. This disease causes the infected to communicate the same message on at least five platforms within thirty minutes. “Hey, would you be willing to speak at my ‘Social Media 101’ event next month?” This innocent invitation becomes painful when sent to me via email, Facebook message, @ mention, direct message, and text message.

2. LOL Lunge — Hurling faux hilarity

Do you physically laugh out loud every five minutes? I’ll bet your web buddies think you are the happiest person on the globe. Not everything humorous is worthy of an “LOL, holy smokes this is the funniest thing EVER” Facebook share. If it made you smile, just say so.

3. Accelerated “plus” pulse — +1 to everything, always

“The act of ‘plus one’ should be reserved for statements which you have fully explored and to which you are in complete agreement.” – Abraham Lincoln

4. Comment convulsions — Clenching moments where nothing really comes out

Have you ever been so sick that you heaved and heaved until… nothing but convulsions and mutters of discomfort were left? Yeah, that was a good time, wasn’t it? Sometimes you just have nothing left in the ol’ tank. Just tweet the article, if you liked it, but you don’t need to force a comment.

5. Blackout breakdown — Psychotic inability to be unavailable

I have never personally witnessed a heroin addict going through withdrawals. The movies sure make it look terribly painful, almost as painful as a Twitter addict driving through southern Ohio. When you start picking your restaurants based on if they have WIFI, it is time to see a nurse.

6. 4G Fever — A limited travel condition

You can do this. I believe in you. You CAN travel to cities that do not have 4G data coverage. I know you are scared, but together, we will get you through this. That extra one second you have to wait for your pictures to upload will be worth it.

7. Sorry syndrome — Apologizing to the wind

If someone invites you to a baby shower, you should feel a little sorry if you can’t make it. If the same person invites you to a Twitter chat, though, you don’t need to apologize for not being able to attend. This unnecessary guilt you are feeling could be taking years from your life.

8. Phone phobia — Fear of verbal communication

Stop messaging. Stop tweeting. Stop emailing. Please just pick-up the phone and get to a resolution. You will be amazed at how efficient a common telephone can be.

9. Pandora pathosis — Headphones required

This disease starts slowly. At first, you are simply impatient with the local radio station as you drive to work. Soon you find that your tolerance for “top 40” stations is completely eliminated. In the final stages of Pandora pathosis, you find you can no longer complete any meaningful tasks without a completely personalized music selection.

10. Twitter torment — Working in 10 minute stretches

“Flow” is something you read about, and you vaguely remember a few times when you might have achieved it. Your denial refuses to allow you to believe this state-of-mind can be regularly achieved. Meanwhile, you have some @ mentions to reply to with a belly-rolling “LOL!”

11. Facebook phlegm — Sharing more than you should

This is a nasty ailment where you share the color of your baby’s poop, and your commute problems, and your boss problems, and your bad haircut problems, and your burnt dinner problems, and your ruined laundry problems, and your mis-behaving kid problems, and your itchy butt problems, and your…

12. Left-behind boil — Festering rage at being the last to know

Were your friends all on the latest new social platform before you? Did you not hear about that big new conference until after the “early bird” tickets were already sold? If you find yourself nodding to these questions, you might have a case of “left-behind boil.” The best prescription for this painful predicament is a perspective.

If you have been infected with any of these diseases, the good news is you now have a diagnosis. (I told you it was likely you were sick.) Get treatment immediately. We need you out there, in top condition!

Are you sick? Care to tell me about it (just between you and me)?

Featured image licensed via Stock.Xchng.

Jeremy Powers

http://windingstaircasellc.com/

After nearly a decade of branding and marketing for large companies, Jeremy is now Principal at Winding Staircase, where he wants to help you with marketing your company.

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30 comments
dbvickery
dbvickery

These were classic, Jeremy (as many of your posts are). I got a kick out of #2. And hey, I resemble #9!! Pandora when in the office, SiriusXM in the car. And yes, I can be guilty of #8, also!

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

@peterfromottawa I thought some of #usguys would like that one...

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

@reneedobbs Thanks for the tweet!

MorberMarketing
MorberMarketing

LOL! {sorry, couldn't resist}

 

I love this post Jeremy! I'm suffering from #10 - and #6....but just those two. Well..wait...#5 too....

 

Is there a doctor in the house?

ChattyProf
ChattyProf

@LisaBraithwaite Very many thanks for the RT of @12most's post!

susansilver
susansilver

#5 seems common with me and my friends. I have made unplugging a part of my daily routine. I feel a lot healthier now. I am thinking that I may stay with my dumb phone. It just seems like constant connection can be a hassle.

janetcallaway
janetcallaway

Jeremy, this was so fun. My question is, what's the treatment? It's not enough to know that we have 1 or 12 "conditions," we must know how to treat them.  Thanks for the smiles.

JodiOkun
JodiOkun

Jermey so great..I think I have everyone one of these and must cure them ASAP...so to you I wish a good day!!

reneedobbs
reneedobbs

I want to leave a witty comment but #4 seems to be my immediate aliment. Now let me go see what I missed on all the social media sites while I was trying to come up with a good comment.

healingmuse
healingmuse

Furthermore, why does spofcher get 50pts? Now I'm go into have to keep commenting just to get a higher score. (can you identify my social 'disease'?... it's number 13)

spofcher
spofcher

Jeremy - I so identify with a strain of #12: FOMO - The Fear of Missing Out.  I don't want to miss a tweet chat, a newsletter, a blog, a LinkedIn discussion group - what if there is something important that I need to know?

 

Many people need to get-over #8.  I was cured when I found out that I could save time and increase communication and understanding by using the phone.  I am waiting to be able to even move on to F2F.  

 

But I am wondering about #9.  I have had this my whole life and do not understand this disease.  Do I really need help?

 

 

miorita
miorita

@samfiorella thx 4 sharing ! :)

healingmuse
healingmuse

Descartes once said "plus one equals to nth possibility of being left behind"...#quote #fake fb0fe./ol42sed Ps I wanted to comment w pinterest since a picture us worth a thousand words, but couldnt so now you are stuck reading all this drivel - LOL

samfiorella
samfiorella

Jeremy, 

this post made me totally LOL. A few times. So LOL. LOL. Now pardon me for a minute while Stumble this and share on Facebook, Twitter, G+ and LInkedIn...

 

There. I'm so glad I found this hotspot at Disney while on vacation so I could read/share this wisdom. I wasn't intending on reading 12Most posts while I'm on vacation but I logged in to announce I forgot my dandruff shampoo. And am I glad I did. I would hate to be the last to read/comment on this post.

 

 

You're a lifesaver.

MatthewLiberty
MatthewLiberty

@jpJeremy <--- Has been hiding. @peterfromottawa #usguys

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @MorberMarketing If I had a cure, I wouldn't be sitting in front of 3 21" monitors, twitching on coffee. ;)

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @susansilver I think number 5 is probably the most common. I asked my friends to leave their phone in the car when we went to happy hour this month. You would have thought I asked them to take their pants off.

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @janetcallaway Tell me your ailment, and I'll bet the commenting crowd on 12most can help with a diagnosis....

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @JodiOkun It took me 12 hours to finally start promoting my article from this morning.... that is the way this month has been. I am glad you liked the article.

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @reneedobbs Wit is not required. Recognition is the first step to recovery. ;)

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @healingmuse Now that comment really made me smile. I am a bit "anti-klout," so you will note I generally have "0 pts" here on the comment board.

 

I hope nobody judges me for it.

spofcher
spofcher

 @healingmuse Am assuming:

The more I post -whether worthwhile or not - the more points I get and the higher my Klout score goes.

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @spofcher I honestly debated on number 9, because I think we have the same issue. (You know I have a real love of Pandora.) I am the guy that constantly pushes the station selector buttons on the car radio.

 

However, I left this one on my list. I do think that if your lack of "perfect" environment can shut down your productivity, you might want to reevaluate. 

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @healingmuse I am not "hip" to Pinterest yet. (sooo, embarassing...)

 

I am surprised that so many of my non-internet savvy Facebook friends are migrating there. In fact, I would say more of my "regular" FB connections are on Pinterest than on G+.

jpJeremy
jpJeremy

 @samfiorella I don't know that I would announce your dandruff shampoo needs to the world, but then, hopefully my post caught you before it was too late!

Yvonne Root
Yvonne Root

 @samfiorella Have you made your appointment yet? Only a very good doctor will be able to help you. In truth, we may need to have an intervention. It is for your own good! I mean it. If you don't get help yourself, those of us who love and care for you will step in for your own good.

healingmuse
healingmuse

@samfiorella D@mn it. I was sooo going to be the first to comment. - I'm going to out you on facebook.

healingmuse
healingmuse

@spofchery comments are not all going thru - um missing out on valuable Pts dang.

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