12 Most Diabolical Diseases Infecting Internet Marketers

12 Most Diabolical Diseases Infecting Internet Marketers

You are sick. I bet you have caught at least one of these diabolical diseases, and these wicked little habits are hurting you, your business, and your mental health.

Diseases are deadly because a disease can be spread from one person to another. The internet has made transmitting easy, free, and boundless. With all of this sharing going on, it was only a matter of time before some diabolical habits and ideas started to spread.

As an internet marketer, you are especially susceptible. After all, you spend more time on the web, where these things spread, than most people. Let’s see how sick you are:

1. The quintuple quandary — Communication ADD

I know 12 Mosters are at high risk for the quintuple quandary. This disease causes the infected to communicate the same message on at least five platforms within thirty minutes. “Hey, would you be willing to speak at my ‘Social Media 101’ event next month?” This innocent invitation becomes painful when sent to me via email, Facebook message, @ mention, direct message, and text message.

2. LOL Lunge — Hurling faux hilarity

Do you physically laugh out loud every five minutes? I’ll bet your web buddies think you are the happiest person on the globe. Not everything humorous is worthy of an “LOL, holy smokes this is the funniest thing EVER” Facebook share. If it made you smile, just say so.

3. Accelerated “plus” pulse — +1 to everything, always

“The act of ‘plus one’ should be reserved for statements which you have fully explored and to which you are in complete agreement.” – Abraham Lincoln

4. Comment convulsions — Clenching moments where nothing really comes out

Have you ever been so sick that you heaved and heaved until… nothing but convulsions and mutters of discomfort were left? Yeah, that was a good time, wasn’t it? Sometimes you just have nothing left in the ol’ tank. Just tweet the article, if you liked it, but you don’t need to force a comment.

5. Blackout breakdown — Psychotic inability to be unavailable

I have never personally witnessed a heroin addict going through withdrawals. The movies sure make it look terribly painful, almost as painful as a Twitter addict driving through southern Ohio. When you start picking your restaurants based on if they have WIFI, it is time to see a nurse.

6. 4G Fever — A limited travel condition

You can do this. I believe in you. You CAN travel to cities that do not have 4G data coverage. I know you are scared, but together, we will get you through this. That extra one second you have to wait for your pictures to upload will be worth it.

7. Sorry syndrome — Apologizing to the wind

If someone invites you to a baby shower, you should feel a little sorry if you can’t make it. If the same person invites you to a Twitter chat, though, you don’t need to apologize for not being able to attend. This unnecessary guilt you are feeling could be taking years from your life.

8. Phone phobia — Fear of verbal communication

Stop messaging. Stop tweeting. Stop emailing. Please just pick-up the phone and get to a resolution. You will be amazed at how efficient a common telephone can be.

9. Pandora pathosis — Headphones required

This disease starts slowly. At first, you are simply impatient with the local radio station as you drive to work. Soon you find that your tolerance for “top 40” stations is completely eliminated. In the final stages of Pandora pathosis, you find you can no longer complete any meaningful tasks without a completely personalized music selection.

10. Twitter torment — Working in 10 minute stretches

“Flow” is something you read about, and you vaguely remember a few times when you might have achieved it. Your denial refuses to allow you to believe this state-of-mind can be regularly achieved. Meanwhile, you have some @ mentions to reply to with a belly-rolling “LOL!”

11. Facebook phlegm — Sharing more than you should

This is a nasty ailment where you share the color of your baby’s poop, and your commute problems, and your boss problems, and your bad haircut problems, and your burnt dinner problems, and your ruined laundry problems, and your mis-behaving kid problems, and your itchy butt problems, and your…

12. Left-behind boil — Festering rage at being the last to know

Were your friends all on the latest new social platform before you? Did you not hear about that big new conference until after the “early bird” tickets were already sold? If you find yourself nodding to these questions, you might have a case of “left-behind boil.” The best prescription for this painful predicament is a perspective.

If you have been infected with any of these diseases, the good news is you now have a diagnosis. (I told you it was likely you were sick.) Get treatment immediately. We need you out there, in top condition!

Are you sick? Care to tell me about it (just between you and me)?

Featured image licensed via Stock.Xchng.

Jeremy Powers


After nearly a decade of branding and marketing for large companies, Jeremy is now Principal at Winding Staircase, where he wants to help you with marketing your company.

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