12 Most Helpful Tips for Raising a Child with ADHD

12 Most Helpful Tips for Raising a Child with ADHD

Our bright, gorgeous amazing seven year old was diagnosed with ADHD when he was not yet five. When I look back at the roller coaster of the past three years, it occurs to me that I wish I had known these 12 tips back then.

1. Give yourself a break

Parenting is hard work, period. Parenting a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is really, really hard work. If you have a spouse or partner, tag off with each other and back each other up if one of you is getting overwhelmed. Or, reach out to your network and trade off the same favor to another parent.

2. Focus on rewards, not take aways

Our seven-year old son can lose his train of thought in the midst of any activity. Seriously. He now gets mini-rewards for completing tasks he has to fight hard to concentrate on. If he gets out to the car in the morning with his homework packed, teeth bushed and shoes on, he gets to watch a movie for the ten-minute ride to school. We used to have to beg and plead. We sometimes still do. But a reminder about what’s at stake often helps him keep himself on track. Ahhh.

3. Stay consistent

You have to be incredibly consistent about what you say will happen and what actually happens. If our son, for instance, didn’t earn the movie because we had to prompt him repeatedly in the morning to get through the routine and out the door, that DVD does not go on. No matter how much he whines or complains or justifies why he should get it. Stand your ground. They will learn.

4. Be neutral

No matter how frustrating it can be, issue clear instructions in a neutral tone, and then let the child deal with the consequences. When our son forgets his homework, he has to take responsibility for that. When he broke a window in our house by, impulsively, throwing a wooden block at it, he had to help pay for the repair. And so on. That teaches. Yelling, berating, lecturing, and so on do not produce effective results.

5. Find help

Counselors, doctors, programs and medicine can offer very helpful resources for you and for your child. Seek out the wealth of information available on the Internet, as well.

6. Be choosy about your friends

Not everyone in your social circle is going to be understanding or empathetic. It’s pretty hard to imagine what it’s like to be the parent of a child with ADHD if you’re not one. No one else really knows what you are going through or the work you’re putting into it. So if you’re feeling judged, and getting those looks or comments from another parent or relative (“What your kid really needs is…”) just limit the interactions with those folks, where possible.

7. Be persistent

We ended up switching medicine six times before we had the right match up. We have been to two schools. We switched Occupational Therapists because the fit wasn’t right. We will soon begin our third year at the program our son attends in summer because we have seen great results for us and for him. Keep at it!

8. Be an advocate

You are going to have to enroll your child’s teachers or caregivers in your quest to change the behavior of your child. You might have to fight for an Individualized Education Plan at school. You might also have to push for special services or accommodations. That’s now part of your job. Get them on board by being a partner.

9. Your child will adapt his or her behavior to yours

It’s hard work, but we have to change our own behavior if we want to influence and change our son’s. That’s one of the main lessons we have learned from the program at the Cleveland Clinic we found three years ago. The summer program involves lessons and lectures for the parents once a week for two hours all summer long, with homework. Hard work? You bet! Has it helped us? Absolutely! We’ll be back again in June.

10. Look for the possibilities

This is another tenet of the Clinic’s program. It means, basically, don’t get stuck in the history of what has happened because until you step out of that rut, the past will create your future. If you’re the parent of a child with ADHD, you know all about the disappointments and failures. Now, take a deep breath and look ahead and look up — to what’s possible.

11. Don’t blame yourself

Your child’s ADHD is not your fault. And that’s a stuck-in-the-rut way of thinking, anyway. Keep focused on what you can do to put in place forward movement and breakthroughs to new actions, new approaches and a fresh orientation. That’s progress.

12. Fall in love with climbing the mountain

No, ADHD doesn’t “go away.” You don’t suddenly “fix it.” And you’re going to experience breakdowns as you find your way. So, since you’re gonna have to keep climbing, as Dr. Michael Manos,  says you might as well fall in love with climbing.

Every child is different. But for us, these 12 tips have given us re-affirming guidance as we go. If diet or some other approach has given your family results, please weigh in and comment. But, if you just want to tell me about what my kid really needs…

Featured image courtesy of  djKianoosh via Creative Commons.

Becky Gaylord

http://www.gaylordllc.com

Becky worked as a reporter for more than 15 years in Washington, D.C.; Sydney, Australia; and Cleveland, Ohio for major publications including the New York Times, Salon.com, Business Week, the Wall Street Journal, and was Associate Editor of the Plain Dealer's Editorial Page before she launched the consulting practice, Gaylord LLC. The company helps clients improve their external relations and communication and increase their influence and impact. Becky blogs about that (a few other things) at Framing What Works.

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11 comments
dbvickery
dbvickery

I'm with Bruce. These are excellent tips for parenting in general, but I can see where some of them take on special significance with an ADHD child. I am definitely a big fan of the approach regarding focusing on the rewards and staying consistent!

BruceSallan
BruceSallan

Becky, it's funny that when I read these tips, I feel that they apply to a lot of things in life! With special needs kids I really feel that #1 is ESSENTIAL!

Peg Fitzpatrick
Peg Fitzpatrick

Thank you for writing about something so near and dear to your heart Becky. Being a parent is not an easy job and there are so many parents who deal with ADD or ADHD chicldren or other things.

 

Really great resource for parents who might just be learning about this. But always nice to know you aren't alone in dealing with challenges in life.

PaulBiedermann
PaulBiedermann moderator

 @Becky Gaylord McDonald Thanks for this great piece that tells us “we are not alone.” We also have an ADHD son and it has impacted our family in every way.

 

Staying flexible to handle last minute disruptions on so many usually-simple matters can wear down even the most devoted parents of ADHD children. Finding the right balance of medication, therapy and parenting is an ongoing process, in hopes of finding what works best for a child who himself is constantly growing and changing. Not easy.

 

There is so much more I could say here, but our son is home on Spring break and, well… gotta run!

sharongreenthal
sharongreenthal

Becky, every single thing on this list is absolutely true. My son is now 19, and has finally gotten a handle on managing his ADD - but it has been a lot of work for him (and us!). I would offer this advice - above all else parents must adjust expectations, because your ADD/ADHD child will succeed via a different path than other kids. It's worth the wait, though!

BeckyGaylord
BeckyGaylord

 @BruceSallan Yep, you're right about both things. We are finding that these tips are helping us be better parents to our other son, too, who. 

BeckyGaylord
BeckyGaylord

 @PaulBiedermann Staying flexible, patient and with a sense of humor are all important. But that's why I added the tip about tagging off with someone. Because to draw on those resources, as parents, we have to keep ourselves fresh restored. That's really hard to do, but vital. Thanks for sharing, Paul! 

BeckyGaylord
BeckyGaylord

 @sharongreenthal So, so true, Sharon. He's on a different path, for sure. But it helps, I think, that we found out early enough to help him be okay on that path. Awareness, education and the confidence to encourage a different drummer all help. Thanks so much for weighing in. 

PaulBiedermann
PaulBiedermann moderator

@BeckyGaylord@sharongreenthal

Great points, again from both of you! Adjusting expectations is such a huge part of our “alternative” situations — it takes getting used to because it does not always fit the way things are usually done or how things are set up (schools, for example).

 

But children with ADHD also tend to be unusually smart and gifted, and along with all that energy comes the ability to achieve great things. Of course, there is always that “focus thing,” but we’ve found that even that is there in large amounts, as long as it is something they are interested in. Interesting ride, for sure!

sharongreenthal
sharongreenthal

 @PaulBiedermann  @BeckyGaylord I think you're both a few years away from college, but University of Arizona has a great program for kids with ADD/ADHD called the SALT program. File that away for future reference.

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